Today I am sad.
Today is not the date - that was Saturday. But today is the day. I miss her so much it physically hurts. Even now - 4 years later! I feel like this will never end. Always hurting. Songs, movies, jokes, and everything else makes me remember and the pain sets in all over again. I don't mind it so much anymore. I feel like its better to hurt than forget. Sometimes I get scared that I can't remember what her face looked like, so I search franticly for a photo of her. Then I try to memorize it all over again. Even though its a face I love and know better than I think. For me the worst part is the feeling that my life is segmented into 2 parts. Before and After. After is a decidedly less happy place. So today I am going to remember as much of before as humanly possible. I remember...
Her getting me out of the huge bath tub at the big house, and rubbing lotion on my arms and legs.
How thick her nails were.
Painting her nails, and giving her manicures.
Giving her pedicures, because she couldn't go to a nail salon - fungus.
She acted like my rubbing lotion on her foot and leg was the best thing ever.
She loved to shop.
She might be gone for hours and hours on shopping trips.
She always found great deals.
She always bought you the very thing you wanted - even if you didn't know it.
She really got to know people, and what they liked.
When she got really nervous she talked - A lot!
She also laughed when she was nervous.
The way she titled her head when she painted.
She was a terrible speller.
She loved old things, and saw the beauty in things that other people would look right past.
She had an eye for color.
She loved to decorate, and should have done it for a living.
Whenever she wanted me to help her on a project, that meant she wanted me to do it and her to supervise.
She took me to my first concert - New kids on the Block.
When they came out I cried, and she cried too.
Sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld with her.
Her snoring.
Bee Alert.
Taking the stained glass class with her.
How much she loved her friends.
How hard she laughed when I was electrocuted and fell off the ladder while putting up her Christmas lights.
How good her cooking was.
She always made me feel pretty.
She sent me a frog while I was in Greece.
Her airhead vase collection.
Her depression glass collection.
Her extremely large Santa collection, more than half of which she made.
Seeing how happy she was that her large Santa won 1st place and best in show at the Dallas ceramic convention.
How she cried when I gave her the tennis bracelet I bought her for Christmas.
How thrilled she was when I gave her the very large porcelain doll I won.
She loved gladiolus.
She made the best peanut butter cookies.
She missed her Ya-Ya, and wanted to be very much like her.
She was super scared of pain.
Even just a tiny little bit of pain.
She was always being silly, even to the point of making me mad sometimes.
Crazy Driver - that always made me laugh.
How much she loved my cousins. Her boys.
How kids and dogs flocked to her.
Ok - this is too much - I have to quit now or I will fill this office with tears.
One last thing I remember.... She always made you feel loved, special, excepted, and safe.
Her getting me out of the huge bath tub at the big house, and rubbing lotion on my arms and legs.
How thick her nails were.
Painting her nails, and giving her manicures.
Giving her pedicures, because she couldn't go to a nail salon - fungus.
She acted like my rubbing lotion on her foot and leg was the best thing ever.
She loved to shop.
She might be gone for hours and hours on shopping trips.
She always found great deals.
She always bought you the very thing you wanted - even if you didn't know it.
She really got to know people, and what they liked.
When she got really nervous she talked - A lot!
She also laughed when she was nervous.
The way she titled her head when she painted.
She was a terrible speller.
She loved old things, and saw the beauty in things that other people would look right past.
She had an eye for color.
She loved to decorate, and should have done it for a living.
Whenever she wanted me to help her on a project, that meant she wanted me to do it and her to supervise.
She took me to my first concert - New kids on the Block.
When they came out I cried, and she cried too.
Sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld with her.
Her snoring.
Bee Alert.
Taking the stained glass class with her.
How much she loved her friends.
How hard she laughed when I was electrocuted and fell off the ladder while putting up her Christmas lights.
How good her cooking was.
She always made me feel pretty.
She sent me a frog while I was in Greece.
Her airhead vase collection.
Her depression glass collection.
Her extremely large Santa collection, more than half of which she made.
Seeing how happy she was that her large Santa won 1st place and best in show at the Dallas ceramic convention.
How she cried when I gave her the tennis bracelet I bought her for Christmas.
How thrilled she was when I gave her the very large porcelain doll I won.
She loved gladiolus.
She made the best peanut butter cookies.
She missed her Ya-Ya, and wanted to be very much like her.
She was super scared of pain.
Even just a tiny little bit of pain.
She was always being silly, even to the point of making me mad sometimes.
Crazy Driver - that always made me laugh.
How much she loved my cousins. Her boys.
How kids and dogs flocked to her.
Ok - this is too much - I have to quit now or I will fill this office with tears.
One last thing I remember.... She always made you feel loved, special, excepted, and safe.
posted by Plastic at 12/11/2006
3 Comments:
I didn't know her, but I feel like I have begun to through your layouts. I know there is nothing I can say that would be of any use, so just know that my thoughts are with you. I cannot imagine how hard it must be.
I can see you crying...I wish I could wipe the tears. I can hear her giggle, and if I close my eyes I remeber her hugs. I loved her "just thinking of your gifts" and how when she sent you something to Florida she always included something for me. She was sickening thoughtfull and creative. I can see how she would sit at the table and gab with mom. I remeber how she would call me to check up on you and then ask me not to tell you she called. I remeber the doc martins you got...even when she swore you werent getting them and said you were to rotten to get anything. I loved how I would make her blush by running around in my g string in front of her. I loved how she somehow thought I was involved in helping you and how really we helped each other. I loved that she loved and when I think of her...I think such sweet thoughts. She was good...and I love that you are part of her and that she still lives on in you. I love that you have inherited sooooo much of her. I love that your daughter wont have to look very far to see her, that you reflect her in so many ways. I love that you choose to remember, even when it hurts.
I love you and am emailing you my hugs...and my sorrow.
Oh, this post made me so sad. I can only imagine how hard this has been on you. I also know how stong of a person you are. You will never forget her, I'm sure of that. Judging from the list I just read about her, I think it's safe to say that you are a lot like her. Just know that we're thinking about you.
Oh, and tell Joey happy (very belated) birthday!
Hope to talk to you guys soon!
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