Sunday, January 01, 2006

My mortality

So this may sound crazy and maybe no one will be able to relate. Sometimes I have a crazy moment of clarity about my mortality. Today it was while driving with my hubby and daughter. I don't know what triggered it but suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of - well i don't know the word for it. I just knew in that second that everything I love could be gone in an instant. I felt panic and I was terrified. I had an urge to grab them both and scream at them to be careful in everything they do, because I need them and love them more than they know. I calmed my inner voice and settled for a gentle pat on both of their legs and an " I love you people". Not enough by any means, but better that scaring them half to death. I don't want them to be troubled by my crazyness. Just had to get that out. Thinking about it - the feelings are probably so strong because my mom has only been gone for 3 years and my grandma died this year. So I have a very fresh sense of loss - and the quickness with which it can happen. I just want to make sure to let them feel how much I love them even more this year.

4 Comments:

Blogger Babs said...

I know what you mean, Reagan. I drive by a few different cemetaries during my daily commute. The question of where I would like to be buried just popped in to my mind the other day and has kind of hung around ever since. I guess all we can really do is just live each day the best we can and worry about the rest later.

January 01, 2006  
Blogger em said...

I totally understand what you are saying. I think about it everytime I get into a car. I like what babs said about worrying about the rest later :)

January 01, 2006  
Blogger em said...

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January 01, 2006  
Blogger Kat said...

catching up on the blogs, love the layouts you've been doing! sounds like you've had a great start to your year : )
and i know what you mean about freakin out, i do that too- and i worry about how i'm going to be when i'm finally a mom! defiently agree w/babs, just got to live each day the best we can.......

January 02, 2006  

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